Love is the Answer

"Love is patient and kind. Love knows neither envy nor jealousy. Love is not forward and self-assertive, nor boastful and conceited."  St Paul,  1^stCorinthians 13:4

Sunday before last, Susan Russel, one of our priests at All Saints, delivered a sermon on “What is most simple is the most difficult.” Meaning Jesus’s message is very simple, but not easy for us humans to consistently practice: Love one another as I have loved you and love your neighbor as yourself.

One problem being that many of us don’t feel loved and don’t feel loving towards ourselves. So love of Self and allowing God to love us is actually one of the foundational spiritual practices. If we know that we often experience shame, guilt, depression, self rejection, and chronic fear, then the practice of Self Love would be highly beneficial for our souls.

Whenever one of these negative feelings arises within our consciousness, it would be good to go directly into Self Loving. We can do this by placing our hands over the places in our body where we feel these emotions, often the heart space and the gut. And as we connect to these hurting places in our body we send loving to them. This is simple spiritual first aide that is so simple, straight forward and provides great consolation and healing.

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OPENING THE TREASURE BOX

Within each one of us there is a treasure box full of the bliss bestowing jewels of paradise. But we don’t want to open this box. Why?  As one of my teachers, Charlotte Joko Beck said we live in the “if onlys”  If only I had  _____ , I would be happy. If only my spouse would love me, if only I had a better job, etc, etc. We keep looking outside of ourselves for something only we (or God) can give us.  But the treasure box doesn’t lie outside of us. That is the mistake we continually make.

Each day I work with my therapy clients to help them open their treasure boxes which lie deep within them right down amongst their pain.  Of course, being with these difficult feelings is exactly what we don’t want to do. But that is exactly where our treasure boxes often lie: right in the midst of our anger, sadness, longing, hurt, and loneliness.  And we open them with radical acceptance and loving awareness. These are the keys to our treasure boxes and with them we gradually open our hearts as wide as the world with all its joys and sorrows. Our open hearts ARE the treasure box! 

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WORKING WITH OUR ANGER

 Very often when someone triggers our anger, there is a strong impulse for us to say something hurtful or spiteful in return. This is practically a reflex action and if we do this, we are acting on automatic pilot. It might feel good at first, letting it all hang out, telling them what we think of them, but often we regret it later for the damage it causes to our relationship with the other person.

 What would be the alternative? We work with our anger like any other challenging emotion. First we hold it  compassionately in our awareness (not suppressing it), watching for and refraining  from any impulses to act out. This is one of the reasons why some kind of contemplative practice is so valuable for daily living. Mindfulness practice in particular gives us the ability to have this perspective on our strong emotions.

 It is important that we not judge ourselves or blame others for our anger. Instead when we are away from the triggering event we can start to inquire as to what the anger is about.

 We can listen compassionately to our inner dialogue of anger and ask ourselves: does it seem familiar, like an old story we have experienced over and over? Does it require us to do something that might be different than the way we have usually reacted before? Gradually as we work with our anger the patterns and meaning becomes clearer to us and we can act with more intelligence.

THE UPSIDE OF ANGER

Anger is often seen in spiritual practice as undesirable and to be let go of as soon as possible. And in a general sense it’s true; we  have all seen people who hold onto their grievances and resentments and carry them around like valuable possessions, bringing toxicity into their own lives as well as those around them. However, while it’s good general advice to release our anger quickly, it does not always help us in the nitty gritty of our own daily lives.

 Anger is a signal like any other emotion. Often anger signifies that an important personal boundary has been crossed and we need to listen carefully to the message contained in the angry emotion to discern what is to be done. And it might mean an old hurt has  surfaced that needs further healing. So it is important that we investigate what our anger is about before we either attempt to let it go or act in some way to defend ourselves. 

 Often there is an intermingling of a past hurt and a current situation that we are facing. For example we have a difficult relationship with a boss at work that lines up with old issues with a parent. This takes particular care to sort out as to what part of the situation may be our own issue and what part we have a legitimate cause for wanting to confront the other person, while not acting out and undermining our position.